The Baron Against the Demons

A post-apocalyptic tale of Christian steam-punk space knights gallivanting around with bayonet laserguns and bagpipes, battling puppets and  papier-mâché demons. The whole thing is awash with gore, aliens, cleavage, and perversion. And then Satan shows up.

It's sort of like the Dark Crystal meets Robot Bastard! and the Spanish Inquisition in hell, but with really crappy special effects.

We first meet our hero, the Baron, as he's holding off some "Laughers"—which are the cannon fodder of the demon puppet world—so that some other members of his group can escape. The Baron is swiftly captured by the wicked Lady Pevertum, who has an evil plot that consists of acquiring the Baron's semen so she can impregnate a demon she's been raising. The Baron is not very happy about this plan, but what's a chained up albino hero supposed to do?

Note: I really didn't need to see Lady Pevertum bringing a handful of goo back to her demon. Good taste is not something this movie wanted any part of, though, and they're willing to go much further before the movie is finished. Consider yourself warned, should you choose to see it.

Back in space, the Christian coalition of alien puppets, mutants, and humans is organizing to either rescue or blow up the Baron, Lady Pevertum, and the demon. They decide to send in famed nymphomaniac Lieutenant Ira Bowman, who isn't particularly happy about the job. She responds with comments like "As far as I'm concerned the Baron can go fuck himself!" and "Do you really think I should get myself killed going to rescue that faggot?" but heads to the rescue nonetheless.

The Space General decides to blow everyone up even after sending Lieutenant Bowman to the rescue, so she probably had the right idea in trying to stay home with her boy toys.

After a savage and ridiculous battle through an undersea fortress that appears to be built from Legos, Bowman dispatches dozens of puppets and frees the Baron.  He promptly shows his gratitude and heroic Christian nature by kicking her into a pool of lava so that she can't tell anyone he's had sex with Lady Pevertum. This brings me to an important point: in addition to being nearly invincible, the Baron is also a complete tool.

The Baron runs off on a quest to stop Lady Pevertum and her pet demon from giving birth. Satan, who looks like some kind of animated 500 foot tall grub, has shown up and spends his time wandering around the backdrop and occassionaly chatting with someone.

Meanwhile an army of ludicrous puppets gather to battle the aforementioned helmeted laser-gun-wielding knights, plus their assorted motley lot of under-dressed women scouts and goofy mutant warriors in one of the weirdest battles I've ever seen. Mortars, lasers, grenades, satantic powers, bagpipes, puppets, spurting blood, exploding heads and eyeballs, swords, and guts. It's amazing and awful. Amazingly awful?

And Space General whats-his-name is still planning on blowing everyone up because he doesn't care about the Baron and thinks that space-blimp guided nukes are the way to go. Can the Baron save the day before he gets blown up? Considering that he's such a complete jerk, would we rather just see the Baron get blown up?

If there's anything quite like the Baron Against the Demons I don't think I've seen it. On one hand it's such an amazingly disgusting gory mess that you can't help but like it a little. On the other, the effects in lot of scenes are so terrible that you'll either like it even more because you'll be laughing out loud, or you'll be wondering how this thing ever got made.

Three baffled stars for the Baron Against the Demons: a film that is both horrible and awesome. If you see just one film this year with golden nuke-dropping blimps, fetus demon puppets, and bagpipes, I am pretty sure it will be this one.